We have added 2 new family members to our clan! Kathryn Raelynn and Emily Joan Bayles have come home to us from China. That is another post for another day... This blog is about my weight! Since Feb of 2014 my weight has skyrocketed! I have let life and the stress of that to cause me to be VERY bad! I am at only 10 lbs away of weighing what I did when I first started HCG. - Since my last time of weighing in with you...
1: My son has gotten married... I have gained a daughter in law...
2: My dad encountered a horrible wreck taking his wife's life (Lindy) which was a huge ordeal for our family.
3: Spent the summer of that year helping my dad to recuperate.
4: Went through some family issues and adjustments as a result
5: Decided to follow the Lord's leading and adopt 2 girls from China
6: Spent a year doing adoption paperwork and grant writing to fund said adoptions.
7: went to China to get the girls-
8: Spent the last 8 months adjusting to life with new daughters and dealing with more special needs than we were prepared to do-
BUT.... Now life is leveling out... and regardless if it levels out or not... I have to get my weight back in to control.. I have been praying and asking God to help me find a way- I truly believe He put me on the path of HCG several years ago.. and while I don't think it is a lifestyle... it is a tool to help get the weight off... I don't want to share it with the world-- (then why am I putting it here on this blog? because I know no one really reads this and it helps me to vent and put my thoughts... sort of like typing a diary). I don't want peoples opinion of HCG- or what they think I should do....
Since I last wrote, I have tried THM- Whole 30 and other things that are just not working for me... and I honestly don't know if doing a round of HCG will work either.. but at any rate I am going to go for it for this month... If I achieve a decent amount of loss this round, I will do 1 or 2 more rounds to get to where I need to be...
I can tell you for sure... the way people treat you when you are overweight is different! I have lived on both sides of being a quasi normal weight and being "fat"- (noticeably overweight) and my friends have truly treated me differently..I am sure people think it is just my perception of that and how I feel about myself while being overweight... and a measure of that may be true--- because I do feel like I just want to put a big invisible blanket over me where no one notices me... I just want to hide and be left alone- but people don't talk to me as much or feel I have anything of value to contribute.
All my life (during my childhood years)- I just wanted to be invisible so no one could see me.. to protect myself- but yet longing to be found, cherished and valued.... wanting to be seen and protected and loved.. I know I felt so good when my weight was in the 190 range ( which is a high number still, but a good number for me!)- I want to feel that way again... My daughter (sweet, sweet Yana)- will call me her "fluffy" moma- she means well... and Emily (one of the new ones) will pat my tummy like she thinks I am pregnant because my stomach is so big.... I don't like any of this... I feel like such a failure... but I can either stay in that state of hating myself or get off my lazy self and do something about it...
I have been searching for what God would want me to do... well multiple times in different ways HCG keeps crossing my path... I have a bottle of drops, so I am just going to do it... and stay focused for this month... I am not out anything... except for loosing some weight... i will have to learn how to keep it off once I get there... but I just need to get there!
Food is a comfort for me... and I have to just refocus and find a new source of comfort... or a different type of food that is comfort! Don't get me wrong, God is my comfort in the larger picture of things,, but if I need relief from stress, or if I am sad, or anything else, food seems to meet that empty spot- and soothe my feelings... so I treat it kind of like a drug.... it is my drug of choice... I have to get over it and detox... and get that out of my life... Our culture uses food for anything.. when we are sad, we eat, when we are happy or celebrating, we eat... I have to stop treating food as a comfort or reward... the battle of my weight I do think is my physiology but it is also mental... all in my head.... I feel like I am being punished by not being allowed to eat what I want... so often times I just rebel against that... and eat what I want, when I want.. but my body wants to take all of that and hang on to it and keep it all as fat.. I can't continue thinking and treating food in this way..
I don't eat cakes, cookies, pies, candy etc.. but i do LOVE sweet tea, fries, hamburgers, and fried chicken! those are comfort foods for me... I have to find other comfort foods... but first I need to detox and get the junk out of me...
So, back to the title of this entry... some of my good friends growing up would sing this song... "Lord, Don't Move that Mountain"-- I do not blame God for my failures of what I have done to this body He has given me... I do ask for His help and leading on how to conquer it and master it...
Part of the song goes:
Lord here I am again, down on my knees in prayer...So... I am asking God to help me get over this mountain... regardless of the "why" it is there.. it is still a mountain that I have got to conquer... and I can only do that with God's help....
Lord You promised me, that You would always meet me there.
Now there's a mountain up ahead (loosing my weight!)
That I can't seem to climb...
But I am praying for the strength
to try it one more time...
So... I am hesitant to publish what my weight it today.. it is TOTALLY humiliating... however, SELAH - a Christian Signing group that I love to listen to published their weight all over Facebook... they are starting this week a weight loss journey and doing it publicly for everyone to see... which is BRAVE-- Amy, the female singer in the group (who has weighed around what I weigh) lost weight on HCG about the same time that I lost weight on HCG- we lost about the same amount... she gained hers back, and so did I- I will admit, I let my eating go.. and no matter how you loose the weight, unless you keep that up or better healthy eating habits, or you will gain it back.. you can never return to old eating habits... I have to "renew my mind" when it comes to my view of myself, my food, and how I use food to comfort myself. She is trying to loose weight now using Nutrisystem- I am really not interested in spending that $ for that to buy food, - and don't want to go that route... so I am going back to what worked for me before... not at a lifestyle, but as a way to detox my body... she weighs just 15 more pounds than I do currently... I hope we both get our weight off and conquer this beast that haunts us both....
My weight today 253.6-- there you go, I said it... I published it... crucify me... trust me -- I do enough self hating, I don't need any extra of that from other people... If you are in control of your weight, health and body--- I applaud you-- Good job... pray for me that I will get there... pray for me in my weakness that I may be strengthened...
I am devoting myself to doing good with what God has entrusted to me... not just my weight, but my husband, my kids, my home, my resources, etc...
Life can be hard-- in so many respects... but God is so good ALL THE TIME! He is Faithful.. .and I really feel He is with me- so I know I can make this... when I feel weak... I will go to my war room and talk to the commander and chief! He will help me!
Here is a face shot of me today...
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